Thanks to Jordan Davis for alerting my readers to adjust their time machine settings to 1965-1966. And apologies to my regular readers, I had typed most of the following early this morning and in my half asleep state I either hit the delete key or blogger ate it.
"Uttering a word is like striking a note on the keyboard of the imagination."
Philo. Invest. p 4
January 7, 1966
Once I understand, have an insight which gives me
more direction or more energy applicable to a way I
want to go, it seems in me, I never lose the *knack.*
This always involves learning from others- Jerry's
callling a therapist a teacher. It is interesting that
Jerry *never* bores me. That may be because not only do
I have so much to learn from him,- and he is so
generous in offering what he has, or that like me he is
*tireless* when exploring (and exploiting) a pleasurable
and exciting give and take. Enough. To set it down-
I don't feel like it. Less so because he is leaving.
This *trick* of creating my own "pressures" is an ingenious
one. (Alan) Grossman is a wonder. I can't consider this and
enjoy it (savor it) because I am still (I suppose)
suspicious of him. Enough of this too. I "perish before his
I am beginning to recognize the "evil"- the "demonic"
in myself. Fuck "turning off the mind."
The demonic- May- is partly the assertion of one's own
tastes and feelings and standards. One must have the
energy however and this involves KNOWING ONESELF.
Jerry- one must always offend to be oneself- the room
must offend the same way the personaly offends. A matter
of being oneself. The more pervasive (embracing- continually
accepting from the outside) the better. A matter of levels.
If I sound like Pavese fuck that too. I'll read him till
I'm born- and *that* is continuous.
Everyplace else except here I should be organized
(order) dipping into the "secondary"- Wallace Stevens.
Secondary=cultivated conscioius which relates to the conscious=
"taste" asserted on the world (P.S.) = the self in the
enduring sense. One great thought is that people have no
choice (if they can and wish to remain rational) but to be themselves.
Or so it is in the mind if not in the actions and communications.
In the mind and dreams everyone is an artist. The artist
is capable of carrying the artistic to communications and he
cultivates the sources of the artistic and patterns of the artistic
in the mind and dreams...
These past two weeks (subway strike and xmas vacation)
have been disorganied, painful, fantastic, seeking, curious,
contemplative, talkative, despairing, exalting, guilty, tiring,
tireless, angry, depressed, creative, enduring. In short,
Lists don't help. I din't get the *sense* across. Seeking is
the *main* feeling. I've had to depend *on myself* to a great
extent and make my own decisions (For Two Weeks!) about what
to do next. No poems (Jerry's been spending a lot of time here
mainly because he hasn't been able to paint or sculpt
because he's leaving soon. But I did write "the huddling buildings
hunched like men in rain" and picked away the
rest of the poem. For the first time I worked on the
same poem for a couple of hours each day. With the
result that I destroyed the poem. And no new poem
yet. But I did write the poem about the day in the
park which *is* rather empty of a point- but
the best design and freshness since "Knowledge as Discernment."
The poem SMELLS fresh- I like that. The problem now
is finding the theme- (that is the most painful part of
writing a poem because *there* you have to be specific in
your *own* mind)- I have to learn to seek themes which
I can handle and which are important to me. Again
a matter of "the secondary" and of hearing the Artist in
Myself. I know I can handle the fingering and
the melodies- I *have* made progress there.
With me it's a matter of exploiting my conscious
mind not vitalizing my spirit. The spirit is willing
but the self is afraid. Still afraid.
I must achieve self-criticism without being revolted
by myself to the point of self-deprecation and self-disgust.
I don't know anyone who enjoys himself more than Jerry.
I've made progress towards the potential of finding themes
too because I'm interested in more things. (More energy
availabe soon more directable out of my own choices).
The discovery of the inner life- a joy.
I've promised many friends (Jerry, Susie, Janie) (John Freda, Susan Braiman, Jane Lazarre) who know
about this journal- what is delectably, *securely* provate can
also be shared- that I would admit here what I've
discovered about Mrs. Kurz. She flattered me- Pavese's
warning about the voluptuous. It also served as a warning and
reminder of my jaded perception of CRASS REALTIES AND
UNPLEASANT REALITIES IN MYSELF AND
THEREFORE OUTSIDE MYSELF AND VICE-VERSA.
One can be an artist *without* continually committing
suicide. (Pavese taught me one must be definitive in his
journal- the revelation of the inner life in the primary
sense- this is *not* a *communication* but a searching
Okay, okay.Mrs. Kurz fooled me just as she so
successfully continues to fool herself and repress her
SELF. Not a matter of blame. Every admittance
in me, brings, for better or worse,
a counter-perception.When I can make them not only
in self-defense (outer and inner pressure) but by conscious
effort my power will increase. Req.in pace Mrs.
Kurz' phony image (created by me partly).
On 12/3/65- that is partly true regarding images.
One must be also pushed by an idea, a theme (which can
include *a lot.* "The others are those born whole"- *out
of ones own life vision.*