b

y

b

I don't know about you, but I'm not waiting for Godot, I'm waiting for the goddamned bell to ring. Did you hear that name? No, you don't need help. You've got the world by your eyes- your feelers-

I'm backing off. I've got the whole structure behind me. Who do you think I'm talking to? This isn't the paper, this is the exam.

Meanwhile, nobody's talking to me, but I'm not worrying about it. You want to decide who's boss, you do it. I'll just take the money and back off.

I think what I think and I write what I write. It's all too easy and jump across the tracks to speak to you. You think you understand me, but this time I'm waiting it out. Meanwhile, thinking....

Now I know the kind of stool-pigeon he really is. Look at him, he'd definitely take his opinions from somebody else, you said it yourself- he still believes his daddy's religion, in fact, he probably scrimps and saves to put money in the plate. Up or down, by and by, you'll need something to read. Newspaper, magazinne, anything...Just stop talking to somebody you disagree with...it's just that easy? Soon, however, you'll have a war on your hands. But maybe that's what you always wanted. As for me, I've been waiting for years for a chance to attack (attract?) my readers. What did you expect? An invitational telegram- or maybe you would like to store my casket in your livingroom- "for a truthful reminder."

Chapter 2- When feelings disappear anything can happen. Wait a minute. Buy your beep? Boy, you're bad. Brag your best. As uncomfortable as it is, this is probably how it'll be.

Human beings, says Melanie Klein, show a powerful envy factor. Perhaps she took Freud's painfully honest view another step. The league of lost writers. But for whom do I write? I write for my many selves, who all want to speak to you, all of you.They don't care if you don't listen anymore. Nobody's allowed to be this direct, especially you. In fact, you can't even talk back at all (this you) you can't give credit, where credit is due. You want nothing else but to be left alone to think, while I want to invent a language to speak to you. Off the bat, it looks like a good arrangement. But if we're going to have to live together for 365 pages, somebody's going to have to decide who does what. And it isn't going to be you and it isn't going to be me either.

But sooner or later it is inevitable that we're going to have to switch places, And this is where I'm going to begin to fall down on the job. Be careful what you boast about. They'll take it away from you. On the other hand, be good at keeping them guessing.

You're the one that's disappointed in me.

Slow down, this is one way you deal with projected envy.

Freud constructed it as a mystery story (neurosis). I still don't believe in the narrative. But this could also be denial. Life and death. Is hide and go seek. A bigger model?

(6/26/87)