11/26/90

For nearly every moment that
I thought I was going into surgery,
I was aware of how much I have
been allowing negative feelings to
color my view of life. Specifically,
in holding resentments- feeling
critical of people. There has been
a parallel shrinking away from
each uncomfortable aspect of
a challenging situation. With each
satisfaction I've earned, I've
been able to use it to exagerrate
my self-sufficiency, to the point
of making people seem too
unimportant. This is a reaction
to making their
"threatening" or negative characteristics
(which remind me of my parents
from the standpoint of being a child).

So each "unpleasantness" is
exagerrated- this is widened to
avoiding any sense of risk at
all- wanting an enclosed life.
What I'm doing is classing
whole groups of experiences
together as unpleasant- and
therefore-unnecessary. Then,
instead of patiently unravelling
the knot, I storm against
myself for my own weaknesses.

A few principles would be helpful-
that would place my relations with
people in a less threatening-
and more productive light.
Remembering to begin with that
everything is accomplished in small
steps.

3/22/91

There is something in everyday
thought which is akin to horror- this
must be at the heart of the obsession
for news reports of terrible happenings.
Any thought, even the slightest
level of anxiety can multiply
itself as a result of some inner loss of
balance which prevents the mind from
letting go of the fear. A feedback
loop gets
established which guides the mind-
and, if sustained, the soul,
into a swirling undertow of fears.

After the scientific term for
the boundary of a black hole- the
event horizon- I think of this
as the event current:
A way of describing the tidal flow
of current events.

3/23

"Let us define the limits. there
are no boundaries in things. Laws try
to impose some, and the mind cannot
bear it."

Pensees-Pascal- p,218

"Languages are ciphers in which
letters are not changed into letters,
but words into words, so that an
unknown language can be deciphered."

Pascal- p. 221

"'My mind is filled with anxiety.'I am
filled with anxiety' is better.'"

Pacal, p. 226

6/12/91

Symbiosis and anger

Anger as the outcome of frustration
with the *constriction* side of symbiosis.

6/21/91

A voice: "He had mastered that
great art of keeping everything up in the air
just enought to have a decent idea
of what his next move should be."

The art of keeping things at bay
is necessary in order to have
the mental space to picture the
whole situation, the immediate
expression of which is this feeling
occuring right now. In order for
*this* feeling to be released and to
allow the emergence of the next
"reality," the feeling must be
recognized.

6/27

The greatest feats of all rely on
a few convictions.

6/29

In the 90's exploitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.

7/3/91

When you say to
yourself- "oh- it's that feeling
again"- you're feeling command
over yourself. Even this much
remove from a feeling can entirely
change its meaning.