4/10/76

...the sense that she's observing me all the time and making criticisms. The threat to me is that she might desert me. I am afraid of the silence...Constructing the sentence involves examining the root thought (contained in words) but holding the whole thought and elaborating on the associations- adding in the details. My imagination produces a series of words- usually a phrase which is an abbreviation for the entire thought. When I "copy" these out I write "grammatically" incomplete sentences. But should or can the thought be used as it is- is there always something in the ordinary thoughts or should these be somewhat inaccessible, be presented in some way that blocks access. It's true that I word very slow. So that the method I use is very slow. But I am now changing this- recognizing how I might use various materials. The collage is a similar venture.

Since relationships occupy so much of my energy and most people's energy they must be incorporated- this is what is lacking in Valery. It isn't a question of privacy, discretion but I think the true problem is that it is difficult. D plans to write about friendship. This is close to the mark. We are silent about relationships because they are always so crucial. This is the attraction of the solitary man. Moment to moment in the presence of others we are experiencing ourselves as mixtures of qualities. Alone, these qualities feel different to us. Writing is writing about the sense of others' presences when they are not presences.So that there must be remembering. But what I am now is also what I am in relation to others. My style in relation to others. What part of my thought (the tone, the attitude, the stance) shows what this relationship to the other is? If I can find that I can use that awareness to write about relationships. I want to examine how someone else deals with, manages their relationships. I want to imagine this.