Time and doubt-
Is the unconscious timeless?
The year 2000.
For a moment about ten minutes ago, all the engines were starting to turn over. I saw everything- all the pads and pencils and folders like parts of a machine (by Tinguely for example). It's funny because Tinguely's machine simply destroyed itself at the end.
Part of the idea related to collage and the boxes I put my ideas in with arrows connecting them. Part of the idea included how bits of incompleted actions are the physical complements to links between thoughts (Bion). Also- each piece being collageable and therefore recoverable.
The second postcard to Barrett yesterday. 11/11 try for August 1st. Toni supportive throughout.
Procrastination as being blocked- Max analyzed this with me as the (oedipal) opponant.
1) An image of an opponant- unconscious fantasy.
2) A feeling of being drained of m\y strength.
This feeling is also a slight feeling of nausea accompanied by mental images of my actions being useless in an endlessly repetitive life that does not change. Events appear to be slowing down or seem to be drawn out. This is what is usually considered boredom. But I do not feel bored. Actually, I feel very excited and seem to "drop" the activity to just muse about things excitedly. Exactly at that point I usually "do" something. Then I "forget" how to come back to what I was doing. But generally I leave some kind of "marker" and can usually recover the "lost" object (or idea) if it is absolutely necessary.
My inner estimates of time have vastly changed. This notebook was begun 9/26/83- this is a full 9 months ago. Now this interval of time seems so little or that the amount of productivity (amount produced) still feels small.
I am trying to put my finger on the feeling I get when I'm on vacation. it is anxiety about havinng fun. Became so much more aware of this this week w/Max.
Thought is experienced as an inner voice that is telling me something. It seems so concerned with judgement. It is a good time to not how far I have come on the issue of procrastination. I can see it although externally I have still not appreciably moved very far in this sphere. I certainly understand it far better.
It is clear from my experience of writing that thought does not begin at the beginning. Because of the exprience of inner resistances, thought tends to be cicuitous, circling around its goal or spiriling deep into it. Since thought is like a beam of light emanating from a larger source or light within- it has to choose an area of focus, even when the experience simultaneous to it is far broader and more encompassing. The narrative, which is one response to this renders the experience in metaphysical terms, ordering details of events in a way which makes them appear coherent.
(1) (A) I was thinking that prior to this I thought of a year vaguely, from examples of certain years.
(1) (B) The amount of material covered during this interval is an indication of the amount of movement that can actually take place during the year.
(1) (A) Only a certain amount of movement can take place during a year.
((1) (B) Not necessarily true. A certain amount of movement during this year. the many thoughts of "age" and what ha been accomplished.
(1) (C) From a certain perspective, the absolute feeling of a certain moment overrules the frequently referred to assumptions about accomplishment and age.
(1) (D) Natthalie Saurraute. The idea of a book which is both personal and abstract.
(1) (E) Before that thought there was an image of a kind of writing- this I associated with N.S. But it was a kind of writing.
(1) (F) Just enough and no more.
(1) (G) Blake- Enough. Or too much.
(1) (G) A certain amount is sometimes enough.
(1) (H) Overdoing is-------------------------comes from a feeling that one hasn't done enough-
(1) (I) One overdoes when one is plagued by the feeling of not ever doing enough.
(1) (J) -------------------------------------------------------