How else would I be motivated
Except by emotion, not by desire
To do for pure athletic expression of life
Though this is good, has often been good,
Now I only want to lol around and complain.
Something will happen to smoke out
The old laziness, I can tell by all the work
That someone's trying too hard
And it just doesn't pay to try too hard.

It's true- I am not being pleasing
In fact, I'm even decrying my own urge to write this-
This is not only the result of fatigue and bad luck
Though we've all had plenty of that-
This comes from routinely sensing what's ahead,
Almost like having a T.V. Guide to real life-
One day I understood that anyone can read it if they want to
It's the denial that makes it impossible to forget
And just live- so is the poem part of this denial
Or is it something else?
A shadow on a beam of sunlight
In an elevator shaft.
You get out to shop
And the mannikins transfix you.

notebook: circa 1985