Distribution Automatique

Saturday, May 17


This has been a fruitful day and I never
set pen to paper. I suffered for awhile
but when I spoke aloud I broke the spell and
thought about getting my tape recorder and
speaking directly into it instead of writing.
My handwriting is not conducive to work nor
is the typewriter. I see also the great
value of time alone. I will never fear it
that way again because of its great
value in centering.

Last night I read some of Rilke's letters.
That was very valuable- I have learned the
immense value of "distance." I may have
had it confused with coldness.

Stop thinking always in terms of loss and
gain. What is the advantage of "advantage"?

In class Osvaldo talked about the
"upper hand" in acting. I have a more
complex view of that than I thought.

I must be more careful about disclosures.
I have been learning that. Also, reading
Jung teaches me more about the complexities of
projection- a view of that that includes
not only the defensive aspeect but the
context as well.

I also placed the talismen in the talisman box. Valery- "hide your god."

Learning to center myself- sensing how much about that I have learned.

SP called last night and talked about
Godel's masterpiece of ordering. I am
moving towards a more rich and complex ordering.
How? By relaxing and observing what it *is* in
me- by letting the pieces fall.

A thought today- to some extent I have
lived unconsciously with a great taste for
"high" moments. This involves some, or a great
deal of sentimental romanticism. Such an
attitude developed to too fine a pitch can
screen out important nuances of experience.
The answer- to become more aware of this
attitude. I think of A- the relaxed
acceptance. What was (or is) my anger
towards him all about?

Thinking a lot about QR. I noticed
how much I project onto him- particularly
regarding what I imagine to be his rejection
of me. That ambivalent attitude. I talked to
JL about this. Her wisdom.