1976
Type up sections that will be read as/ they are and rewrite later / a unity will emerge
Collage pieces-"in this collage...the domain of thought"
collage piece- "I am planning a collage"
Why did I have to find the collage piece and make that connection?
I think of Bernadette writing- this is no collage
the reading a (personal) narrative parly of the past several years since average thought-
as I was going thru the work I thought of /alluding to things I have written-
the poem of involuntary memory springing from an object- quickly reading through them as I arrange the writing- *thinking of the reading as a symphony*- so that the parts will flow from each other musically and the feelings will vary as in life-
John- "French like a violin." me- /(English like an orchestra-) the opening phrases-introductory-/then- the main theme stated
(5/16/76)
vacuumed, mopped bath and kitchen. Jan saw Jeff. She came home upset. I got angry. Crazy stuff about lovemaking and me feeling she is silly. Blown away from the table. But someone is here. Before, during and after- 3 notebooks.
(5/17/76)
the deepest part of a poem is brought into being by its profoundest hearing.
"...the fertile/Thought- associations that until now come/ So easily, appear no more, or rarely./...receiving/dreams and inspirations on an unassigned/Frequency/...withdraw that hand,/offer it no longer as shield of a greeting, Francesco:/...an invitation/Never mailed, the "it was all a dream"/Syndrome.../...and the ache/of this waking dream can never drown out/the diagram still sketched on the wind,/Chosen, meant for mel.../once feels too confined"
Self-Portrait In A Convex Mirror
(5/18/76)
Now she keeps interrogating me. "Why are you angry at me," etc. That I'm not talking about.
(5/21/76)
My rage. And then I read tonight and it was boring. Osvaldo said- if you read like that you'll put them to sleep. And John talked about young professors reading their papers. In his 40's- they started listening to Mallarme. Because they never listened- does this mean I didn't say it? C felt nothing.
J- I'm too intellectual.
But I'm trying to crack the code of the universe.
And Jennifer- barraged with images. I feel so hopeless. Like it was all a waste. And I felt driven all along.
You people someday who pore over this- these diamonds- I am so angry- know that I am 33 and still suffering in silence. Only P is listening. And now a few more. So remember- only P listened and read what he said. Also for history- I am so angry- I almost died trying to crack the code and now it's cracked. It is only a few pages- 20 pages now and no title and 25 poems. But nobody has done better, of this I'm sure. If someone bothers to unravel it- sound out the music and listen- it is very beautiful. I feel crazy tonight. Really crazy. But I wrote the 17-20 pages and I did that. It took me so long.
(5/26/76)
Read interview with Paul Newman. He was saying that nothing is happening in the theater because there is no new vision following Williams. The other day in the shower I thought a characteristic of this age would be the age of autonomy. Sort of where the Williams play ended. What happens to Jim then? You hear the image of a Kerouak-finally back with his mother- so the idea of a person struggling to achieve autonomy not in relation (only) to others- but within. He also talked about emotions. The Jung distinction. It's true people are not interested in politics. He described all the old stuff as "Kitchen drama." Mary Hartmann- meaning- centering in the family.
You see the autonomy constantly in Antonioni. Of course a theory of drama is a prime requisite for a new artistic vision- otherwise the perspective is fragmentary. Nothing wrong with fragments- but fragments cannot hold the attention of a mind that is not particularly creative. And art is not just meant for creative minds. Novels, t.v., movies, record, all in a vacuum because there is no unifying vision.
Stillness, repose(Lacan- feminine)/ Waiting for Godot-/End of the idea of "development"/w/o "story"-no ":plot"/w/o "plot" - no drama/Actors Studiio-still-evocations of "lower class" emotions- Williams, Inge/now "emotions" are flattened out- t.v./a person *alone*- to reverse the/old hollywood romantic notion-/romanticize autonomy (Antonioni's long walks)- also the dream- / the person alone uncovering/significance-the/"private eye" wakes up and makes his own correspondances and formulates his own values- also the appeal of such a person- he operates alone and discusses his plans with no one- is thereby free from the mother symbol-
Now uncovering significances- value in relation to a self-/ The value of the class is practice in emotional recall- exactly what I couldn't learn from A- I'm practicing there-/Finding a media for the communication of my energies-/All the bullshit about human potential. One of the things wrong with psychoanalysis. A new vision of drama wd be a new psychology upon which to base *actions*/A. Why do you have to stay angry for so long?
You're never going to change./A' s giving *up*on people.
Interesting- the class is on *Tuesday*
(5/30/76
